We were discussing ex-boyfriends at work a few months ago and some very interesting stories came to light. Each one of us have dated weirdos at some point but one story inevitably stole the show. I am going to tell you that story on behalf of my coworker. I will use first person because it is a long story and can be enjoyed best by direct association.
“I was in college when one fine day, I found myself alone at home: a rare phenomenon given that I used to live with my parents and sibling back then. My then boyfriend Saurav (name changed) used to live quite close by and so, I decided to use this opportunity to do what most young adults living under traditional restrictions would do– I asked him to come over.
He arrived soon enough with his usual backpack and his characteristic smile and we made out like there was no tomorrow! It was wonderful! We talked about life and love and career and how his filthy rich dad still refused to buy him certain hardware that he wanted badly as a gamer. He was kind of a spoiled brat, I could fathom. But my past relationship was so terrible that Saurav seemed like a decent guy in comparison. He would take me out on dates, would smuggle booze into the house in tiny bottles and would talk about a future together. And boy was he good at making out!!
“How are you so good at this? Did you date a lot of women before me?” I would joke around. He would smile his characteristic smile and smother my silly questions with a passionate kiss. It was exciting and romantic at the same time. We didn’t know how much time had passed that day, when he realized that he was hungry.
“Can you make me a snack?”, he asked me. I couldn’t, I barely knew how to start the oven. But nonetheless, I went into the kitchen and started looking through the cabinets to check if there are some potato chips or any other packaged food readily available for my dear boyfriend. Eventually I gathered an assortment of snacks and served him. But it was almost time for my parents to return and so I drove him out of the house, while he was only halfway through the food.
“Don’t be mad at me”, I pleaded, “You know how rigid my parents are!”
We had a murukku kiss and he left as quietly as he had come.
A few days later, Saurav called me and his voice sounded rather stressed, stripped of its usual calming baritone.
“Umm… I have been meaning to tell you something…”, his voice trembled from across the network. “I hope you will forgive me. I have not been able to rest well since we last met and I must get it off my chest!”
My heart skipped a beat. Does he want to break up? Did he sleep with someone else? Does he have syphilis? The possibilities were endless!
“I did something at your house when you had gone to the kitchen.” he said eventually.
“What??? You are killing me!” I screamed.
“While you were busy in the kitchen… I … kinda… Umm… how do I say this? Umm… I kinda swapped your keyboard with mine!”
“Okay… I don’t really understand what you are saying. What did you do again?” I asked, thoroughly confused.
“Umm… actually, when you were showing me pictures of your house a few weeks ago, I had noticed that you have an amazing keyboard, much better than mine. But my dad refused to buy me that model even though I needed it for gaming. So, umm… when you called me over that day, I packed my keyboard in my backpack and sent you to the kitchen to swap your keyboard with mine. I’m so sorry! But in my defense, you don’t even need such a great keyboard!”
It took me a while to fully understand what he was saying. On one hand, I was relieved that it wasn’t about an STD, but on the other hand… My brave heart boyfriend decided to come over to my house at the risk of being cornered by my scary, traditional father, not to be with me but to steal my keyboard. Can you believe it?“
My colleagues and I were all ROFL-ing by the time this story ended. We wanted to empathize with her but it was just too damn funny.
“You know the worst part”, she added finally, “I went on dating this guy for another year before HE dumped me on the instruction of his dad because of some differences in caste and community. And till today, his keyboard is all that we have. I have used it, my brother has used it and now even my dad uses it. No one has any idea that it’s not the original one.”
Well, we want to empathize with her but we are yet to stop laughing. As they say, the moment something becomes too tragic, it’s comic.